May 26, 2010

Building

You hide from me, like you do, behind emails, messages, comments, silence, bullshit excuses and that velvet curtain of fear you retreat behind. 

Show yourself in the spotlight of my late afternoon sun. When I make you laugh, you will drop that veil and never live backstage again. Oh, you might get pissed at me. No, you definitely will get pissed at me. But I won't ever use the knowledge of your weak spot against you. This trust will generate your interior glow. After our first few fights, you will remember having good old fashioned disputes without nastiness. You'll remember making nice before going to bed, and points of friction not rubbing you and yours raw.

No need to hide anymore.

Emerging before the popping flash bulbs of our commitment to each other has risks, sure. But you won't be the only one risking something significant. Men are fragile. You'd set the construction of my temple back a couple thousand years poking your finger into the secret space between my dragon scales.

Your last partnered performance didn't turn out the way you hoped, I know. Well, it's just hard getting life right the first time.

I cannot finish building this temple by myself. The ancient blueprints say so. The plans call for a ladder, someone to steady it, and no backstage. This temple is going up as surely as the sun loves the planets. And this book I'm writing here is the story of its construction, of my everlasting love for you, and your stepping into the spotlight of my life.

22 comments:

Lucy said...

For these words I would emerge from behind the fear curtain.

Lovely.

chelsey said...

I like the subtle way you indicate light throughout the letter. and the dragon part, ouch.

beautiful piece!

Teacher Mommy said...

Oooh. This just happened with me last night--those ghosts of past failed relationships popping up to poison my mind. It's a good thing MTL is so patient and understanding.

It's like you wrote it for us.

Beautiful.

Alexandra Grabbe said...

Men ARE fragile. So true. Loved "stepping into the spotlight of my life."

She Writes said...

Ed,

Simply wow. I don't think I can even get my words right the first time on this. So simply, wow. I loved what you did with this in too many ways to write. (In a hurry! On my way out to school.) As always, I hope she hears you.

Anjuli said...

As someone once said, "Love hurts...but it is so good."- the risks are worth it for the final outcome of becoming who we were meant to be.

Great Post- as always!!

Xcrush said...

I try to find something other than "sugar" to post but sweets, you get better and better with every letter! This one for some reason really hit me hard. I love it and there is nothing else....

Ed Pilolla said...

@lucy, thanks so much:)
@chelsey, i struggled with using 'spotlight' twice but decided to go ahead and use it twice. and yeah, if i'm talking jesus talk about building a temple, then i got to balance that with a big bad dragon, seems to me.
@teacher mommy, failed relationships are a part of us. we live so long in this world. we're always bouncing back. feels like.
@alexandra, it's taken me a while to acknowledge how fragile i am, tho i've heard men are fragile for years. it just can't be denied. i think it has to do with cultural influences, but i don't pretend to know for sure.
@she writes, whoever reads it is who is meant to read it. i'm not writing to anyone in particular. (honest!:) i'm using multiple muses. this project has been an extraordinary experience, watching my energy flow and shift. fun:)
@anjuli, risking something is a final human frontier. i think the evolved do it constantly. for so many of us, we take years to regroup.
@xcrush, i love sugar!:)

LadyFi said...

I hope the ladder to your temple arrives with blossoms and sun.

Gorgeous writing!

Tori said...

No need to hide anymore! OMG! Isn't that one of the best parts of building the foundation of a healthy relationship? Learning you don't need to hide and putting it together with someone you can trust. Beautifully soulful. :)

Ed Pilolla said...

@ladyfi, blossoms and sun. thanks for that pretty image.
@tori, i like what you said, learning you don't need to hide. yeah. nice.

Wanderlust said...

I love this:

"You'd set the construction of my temple back a couple thousand years poking your finger into the secret space between my dragon scales"

Andrea Parker said...

Dragon Ed.

Lori said...

Well done, my friend. Beautiful.

Ed Pilolla said...

@wanderlust, thanks! (at least two thousand:)
@andrea, you're hysterical:) more like puppy ed.
@lori, glad you liked it.

Kathy Murray said...

I agree with what Lucy said. Think I'm becoming a lifelong fan. Can't wait for the book!

Ed Pilolla said...

@kathy murray, thank you so much!

Wine and Words said...

Ah...sounds like you fight well, fair, and honest. Is more delicate than love and equally as important. Bravo. That one was a lucky girl.

Deidra said...

"Well, it's just hard getting life right the first time." So much truth right there.

Your words are beautiful.

Ed Pilolla said...

@wine and words, it's taken me a while to fight fair. but it's a great place to be, yes. i still slip up, like we all do, but i catch those slip ups quicker than before. progression, if it exists, has a lot to do with self-awareness.
@deidra, sometimes i wonder if god gave us these long lifetimes so we could figure some things out and get some things right. thanks!

Phoenix said...

This is simply beautiful. It actually made me tear up a little but that also might be because I haven't had chocolate in like, four days.

Either way...your writing is gorgeous and intricate, and I can see your heart when you write. What a gift you have :)

I hope you have found someone deserving of such honest and heartfelt letters...

Ed Pilolla said...

@phoenix, wow, thanks so much. that's hysterical about not having chocolate. reminds me i need some coffee. good coffee. i look forward to read more of your stuff.