July 19, 2010

Granting


I suppose it is time.
This might sound harsh, but I think it’s about time I forgave God.
I know you’re supposed to thank God for wonderful things, and I do. I give God lots of love. But there’s also a part of me that might not ever go away witnessing the misery of this diseased world of which I am a big time member and blaming God. Maybe that part of me is ready to just let it go.
Just make peace, more than ever.
I think so. I think I’m really ready to acknowledge that part of me.
I've had an image of myself in the deep, dark woods. I see the sky, and trunks of trees. I ask for help finding my way out. I think I know the way. I go but only find more tree trunks and nothing else. And finally I stumble across a trail overgrown with weeds, but it is there. It is an ancient road. It isn't the way out. It's the way in deeper.
My out was in deeper.
Granting and seeking forgiveness are acts of generosity, seems to me. The release is the gift.

51 comments:

Vicki Rocho said...

I could go on and on (and on) about the bad things in this world and my perspective on them. I don't blame God though. I hope for your sake you find the way out.

The Words Crafter said...

Wow, we could so talk. Here's how I think...God is the only Daddy I've ever had. All other male authority figures suck. Massively. Needless to say, my perception of 'the father figure' is slightly skewed. I've had a long hard road, but He's brought me out of a lot of stuff. I've learned that He often treats me like I treat the kids in my class. I know things they don't and they don't like it when I tell them no. Also, He's big enough to handle it when I'm angry, stubborn, confused, unkind, disobedient...because, unlike the ones I've known here, He still loves me...I'm still unlearning a lot of crap and it interferes a lot. Sometimes I wonder if it's not about finishing the journey, but actually keeping on it...I have an ear, or two, if you ever need them...

Brian Miller said...

God becomes an easy target, when She is not here to defend Himself...not that He needs too...at least not as much as we need to blame our failures on Her.

Ed Pilolla said...

i feel like god invites me struggle with these issues. i feel like god is pleased to see me chirp about the latest injustice, or maybe amused is more accurate:)

Jannie Funster said...

Hey Ed.

Ahhh, I totally agree that to forgive is to give oneself a gift. It's so true. It feels hard to do but it's the best thing!1

I think God appreciates the communication.

Lori said...

You are right, it is time. Keep following your path, Ed. You are not walking alone.

She Writes said...

Hmmmmm.....

She Writes said...

As you know, I do not believe in God. Traveling has made me feel even stronger about that. What do those who live in garbage dumps, children who live until death abandoned and so on do about the absence of a god who sees and remains deaf, dumb, and silent. I can forgive the injustice in my own life, the third world populations, victims of senseless crime, injustice, and so on... Um what the hell does one do with that? Just my 2 cents on a god who is colder than a mother on crack.

Wanderlust said...

I love the concept of the way out being the path that leads in deeper. Beautiful! And I have to agree on that one. Gorgeous. :-)

Sarahlah said...

I was in a rage the other day about feeling like G-d's red headed step child. And, actually connecting with the feeling and, being able to describe the hurt adequately has fueled me in maintaining the movement forward in my journey. Of course, I can't stop and of course, I can't shut up about the experience.

thinkingtoohard13 said...

I'm glad you were paying attention after all. "The only way out is through."
And it's so nice to have you back. Even if you didn't answer my email this afternoon. (How's that for snarky? Miss me, yet?)

The Empress said...

It is nice to have your peaceful postings back.

God...what can I say about God...except that you're right. The gift is the release.

I can feel it now.
Beautifully written b/c you make me feel what the author is feeling.

ladyfi said...

Forgiveness is so hard to give. I keep trying, even though I know it is the best gift I could give myself.

Bernie said...

I do not believe that God sends diseases, causes floods and fires or shouold be blamed for all that is bad......we can do these things all by ourselves, just as we can do many good things by ourselves. I am just glad he is there to support me through the good and the bad times......:-) Hugs

Wild Rose said...

Ed we all have those days and times that things just go badly wrong and we wish God as the higher power would make it all better but he doesn't seem to hear us. The truth is he does listen we just have to have lots of faith in him and ourselves and i hope all works out for the best with you.

Wishing you a great rest of the week~
Wild Rose~

Love, Evolution, and Resilience said...

I love this, and I relate. Not so much in blaming God, but feeling the need to acknowledge and release. The way out truly is in deeper... isn't it.

SoccerMom said...

I too have my moments of questioning why? and
then I remember all the good that GOD has done in just my little ole life.

Thanks for the reminder.

DEZMOND said...

well, forgiving and forgetting definitely is a way to inner peace and well being, but what if like me you don't believe in God and thus have no one to blame and no one to forgive for darkness around us, injustice, suffering, misery that you mention? :)

TechnoBabe said...

I think we all have work to do within us regarding our interpretations and our relationships with God. My way may not be your way and vice versa. But we can all agree that we need to work on it. For me, I don't blame God and I usually stay away from blame in general. Things have been so horrible for me personally at various times in my life. My goal is to maintain balance no matter what is going on in my life. I can still love other people even if my pain is very real. And I agree with you that sometimes we need to go deeper to find the way out.

Ed Pilolla said...

dez, ironically, i had more consistent inner peace when i was an agnostic, which i was for most of my adult life. now that i feel a friendly universe, i've struggled more with questions of understanding and meaning. i do think there's a way to inner peace and belief, and i'm just attempting to follow the road.

i don't read the bible. never have. maybe someday. but i've heard plenty of stories as we all have. and i figure if it's actually a special book, those stories will find their way to me through others, as they have. a friend who voluntarily lives in poverty and works and lives with current and former homeless folks, once quoted the bible to me: when in a strange land, take the most ancient road.

i feel like the most ancient road is within us. it's not any direction anyone can give us. if there are answers, they are within us. others call it following your gut. that's what all journeys of self discovery are, i suppose.

Claudia said...

Ed - this was beautifully written - and so honest.
I look back on a long way with God and I have often "cast stones" on him because I just couldn't understand what he's doing and why he's doing things in a way I wouldn't do it myself. But in all tough times - and in all doubts and thoughts to leave, he always knew how to "pick me up" - he was never angry when I was shouting at him - he was never disappointed because I didn't meet up to his expectations. Sometimes we were fighting hard (there's a story in the bible where Jacob is fighting with God) and he's willing to fight - and he's willing to forgive.
So walk that road, that takes you deeper - it's worth the strain.
And hey- I'm glad you're back :=)

DEZMOND said...

"...if there are answers, they are within us..."
that would be my answer as well, Ed ;) Everything is within us - answers, energy, strength, love, beauty...

Phoenix said...

This post is so beautiful it makes my throat hurt (does that make sense?)

I have long been angry with God for the challenges and trials I have gone through...asking time and time again why such horrible things would happen to me.

Then one day I stopped asking and started listening. The answer to forgiving God is in the listening - and that, as you said, is going in deeper, not pulling further away.

Su-sieee! Mac said...

"The release is the gift."

I so agree with that....I'm so glad to see you're here today. I've missed you. Your words make me think, and I force myself to articulate on page what your words make me think about. I've gone through religious ceremonies when I was a kid, but never have been religious in the sense of institutional thinking and believing about what God is. I think those who started the various religions created God in their images, to allow them to get what they want. I think of God as an infinite spirit that is within each of us, not something outside of us. I think of that inner warm spirit as God's love.

Faith to me is to let go and just believe in the love that is God within each of us. I've come across regular church goers who have difficulty letting go and having faith in God, which has surprised me. In my mind to have faith in God is to have faith in oneself.

Yeah, I know, simplistic thinking. Nothing wrong with simple ideas.

Deidra said...

ed...so glad you're back here with your words. your beautiful words. i've been reading this post over and over and then reading the comments over and over. so much beauty and truth in every single word.

so...i agree. the way out is in. go deep. press through. lean into it.

is that you i see up ahead?

rachelsnyder said...

"Just make peace, more than ever."

Priceless collection of simple yet profound words. I'd wear that on a T-shirt(and I don't even WEAR T-shirts). Good to see that your 70 hours-a-week gig didn't wring you dry of all your creative juices...

Mama Zen said...

You're not alone with this, Ed.

tiffany au said...

Ed! I miss you. I completely relate to this post and it is so funny that you wrote this because I have been thinking about God for a while now. I recently got into my church's drama team and though it has been exciting to get back into performing, it made me think about my commitment to God and honestly I'm not so comfortable. I don't know. I just don't know. And I even contemplated dropping out so that I can think some more.

When I was writing my post today, I was thinking about writing one about being confused about God but didn't feel comfortable writing it with all my conflicting feelings not thought through. I haven't really been sleeping well at all .. and I feel lost. Not necessarily depressed. Just lost.

I suppose going in "deeper" is the way to go. I just don't know.

James said...

"It isn't the way out. It's the way in deeper."

Bam! On the money. Deeper is the key.

Claudia said...

Ed - I had the most weird idea - just jumped into my head today when I was driving home from work -listening to an audiobible - and remembered you have this one verse your friend once told you...
So here's my idea: I would LOVE to give you one bibleverse a week...yeah - sounds strange (to me as well..) I would pray and ask God for a verse that speaks to you and hits the mark. I would do this 3 times and then stop - except you ask me to continue. IF you like the idea and think I'm not totally crazy - then jump over to my blog and drop me a message...
Have a great weekend!
Claudia

Lena said...

God is the biggest scapegoat there is. I can't say how often I've been mad with Him. I feel strangely guilty about it once I reflect on things.

Alexandra said...

Another one here who is glad you are posting again. I love you make us think. How can there be a God who would allow corporations to pollute with hundreds and hundreds of toxic chemicals, I ask myself, then I pray to God to make the world a better place...

Gabriela Abalo said...

God doesn’t invite struggle into your life… you do, you are the one that decides whether to look at things as problems or as challenges… The responsibility is yours, you are free to choose.
Everything happens for a reason, even the events that some of us see as injustice.
Try to look at things from a different perspective; I’m sure you will find a way out.

Sending loveNlight to you.

Gabi

Wanderlust said...

I miss you.

I hope you are surviving your new gig.

xx

Suzanne Casamento said...

Yes, the release is the gift. Funny how knowing that, sometimes it's still hard to let go.

French Fancy said...

Am I awful to say I never give god or God a second thought?

Ed Pilolla said...

you're not awful at all. sounds evolved to me, really. don't you feel like god wants to, or prefers hanging in the periphery of our life?

TechnoBabe said...

I have found that not forgiving is so unhealthy for me, I hold onto a sickness and love it to death. When I truly forgive there is such freedom. So glad you have reached this place and are forgiving. Good for you.

Wine and Words said...

Ed...well well, I have walked this path, the overgrown diversion, deeper, deeper....yes my only option...deeper. Fists raised in battle I enter, almost as if the spirit pushes where the will would not go. And yes, finally...this release. Forgiving God. Now, now, now, I only wish forgiving myself were as easy.

Amanda said...

I felt every word you have spoken here..almost like a piece of my soul was in there. I feel you my friend...and send you much love!!

Crystal Jigsaw said...

I think that forgiveness is a wonderful step forward, lifting burden and sorrow from ones shoulders. Peace is a way of life we should all be able to live.

CJ xx

Jingle said...

love your honesty,
u do come around when things get better in your life.
have a fun Tuesday!
you deserve happiness.

DEZMOND said...

hey, Ed, just dropped by to tell you that the Blogosphere misses you ;)))

Graceful said...

Yes, I hear you, Ed. I am grappling with suffering on the blog today today, and grief...and hope. Forgiveness. Hope. Yes.

Claudia said...

just wanted to say "hi"
started to read some old poems of you because i miss your writing so much..
have a great weekend!

Paul C said...

In the deep, dark woods is the beginning of the way out...Well expressed.

Malik said...

Ed, pretty personal piece here man. I like it though. It actually speaks a lot to how'd I'd been feeling for a while.

She Writes said...

Missing you.

Badger said...

Hey Ed: Has god taken you up there? WTF are you?

Aishah said...

Howdy Ed Pilolla.

This is an old friend, you know the one who talks about master and stuff. I know I sounded weird introducing myself but I really do not want any link to the old call sign.

I missed reading your mind.

Maha said...

Well Ed, I am a muslim believer. Not gonna preach in here, but it just caught my attention how you blamed the evil in the world on God? I mean, it's us that we have to blame. God granted us a beautiful Earth and asked us to keep it that way, but we are the ones who cause all these disasters. Life is too short, you know, it's the afterlife that is eternal and in order to find peace in this life and peace in the life after it, you have to first find God. I suggest that you should read the three holy books of christians, jews and muslims, then ask your heart which one convinced you the most.