June 1, 2009

The Romantic

A romantic evening for a guy means faking it. Honest.

If a guy is totally honest about a fun time, he’d invite a girl to play Nintendo into the wee hours of the morning surrounded by Chee-tos and Ding Dong wrappers. Or he’d think convenience and drive her to Home Depot on an errand for some plumber’s putty. They could talk on the way, of course.

My buddy Kevin “The Big Ragu” once leveled with a girl just five minutes after meeting her.

“You wanna go cruisin’?” he asked her, leaning against a wall with one hand, the other knuckle-deep in the back pocket of his skin-tight black jeans.

“You know, up and down Harlem,” he wooed.

Needless to say, Ragu rode his Schwinn home alone that night.

You see? That’s what we got for being honest. So we sell out, for the girl’s sake.

We take off our “ET” T-shirts for a night and ask her to do something she would like, such as a candlelit dinner followed by a three-hankie movie.

Ragu says he never brings flowers to a girl on a first date and no one ever should. I know what he means. Once, my date’s entire extended family squeezed into the foyer with disposable cameras for the flower hand-off. That was all I needed to nix that $7.99 embarrassment in perpetuity.

Another Ragu rule is always position your date in line with the restaurant TV (and always take her to a restaurant with a TV). By re-focusing you eyes, your attention can go from the Sox game to her face almost instantly.

“Listening,” Ragu said with air-quotes, “is all about reacting to different tones in her voice.”

Like Ragu says, when speaking to a girl, a fella should emphasize the positive. Put a little spin on inescapable facts, such as I’ve only been living with my mom for four and a half years. Or I easily make over $12,000 a year.

It’s no surprise then that the movie is the relief period of the date for the guy; he doesn’t have to keep up his end of the conversation anymore. He just hopes she’s sharing the arm rest with him when the credits roll.

When Ragu drops her off at the end of the evening (if he has borrowed his father’s car), he throws the car in park immediately and unsnaps his seatbelt confidently. If she bolts, she bolts. If the car is still idling ten minutes later and the passenger door hasn’t opened yet, there’s your romance right there.


Lori said...

I can't even find the words for what I think of Ragu's style.

Anonymous said...

But wouldn't it be nice if we could have both? I think I'd like Ragu... sometimes.

Wine and Words said...

I wanted to read the start of you, though it isn't really...of course not, just the start of a written you. Starting and continuing with romance I see. I want to say don't sell out. After reading all the beautiful romantic love posted in 2010, I somehow find it refreshing to read the man-beast here. Take the woman by the hair, drag her to your dungeon...for it is really her power that causes your action. It can be quite a high.

So...So-Cal guy...you seen my kid down there? Tall, handsome, enormous tat on his chest? I miss him. Tell him to drive up the coast a bit and visit his momma.

EcoGrrl said...

ha, like Wine & Words, i like to go back and see first posts...

i agree with no flowers on the first date - makes me uncomfortable and usually it's a crappy $5 carnation type bouquet. flowers are intimate - fellas should only do it when they know her, know what she likes. one guy brought me a narcissus, and - ironically - talked about himself most of the time. i'd rather not do a formal thing on a first date, would much rather go on a hike and keep it casual, see who the real person is. so maybe not to the ragu level, but a lot of women i know could take a hint from it - the important thing is like anything, know your audience, haha.

dude, i like your social commentary. :)